Barack’S Inaugural: The Secret Version

By Preston King
Special to AfriGeneas

preston_kingI have rare access to White House sources. When the President spoke on that cold January day, he (to keep warm) said more than intended. Listeners outdoors, amidst chattering teeth, could not hear. Many at home, choked with emotion, fared no better. I have permission to transcribe the original version on condition readers keep mum. Thus:

Dear Supporters, thank you for putting me here. Dear opponents, please don’t be like that! Who better than I to displace fear with hope, and discord with unity? Democrats and republicans: Shut your eyes… and come together… over me.

Our fundamental American principles are equality and freedom. The two are really one. For freedom is fully achieved only if extended equally to everyone. Nor can there be equal liberty and opportunity without a social safety net, for children especially.

There can be no security and hope of happiness for all if we permit discrimination against anyone – by age, color, condition, class, gender, or sexual orientation. My government will ensure security by way of encouraging innovation and enterprise.

As to #43, I do not come to condemn him; I come to take his job. I do not dislike him; I have even given him a hug. Laura is sweet.

The Obama-nation must be Sunny, forswear hatred of Bush-ites, turn the other cheek, and (if necessary) hold its nose. Above all, it must boldly reconcile… where none have done before.

To clarify: #43 isn’t dumb, though Everyman, in the eye of God, is… limited. Carter was very sharp and had character to boot; it didn’t help his presidency. Truman, upstairs, was low on the totem pole. Still, he had a steady hand, sound judgment, and it worked. Dubya’s failure was moral, not intellectual. He was congenial and lazy – a Stepin’ Fetchit to his class, friends and associates. His cabinet picks were criminally negligent.

Going forward, America confronts huge challenges. We have to beat back crazed terrorists, fix a broken economy, put people to work, stop home foreclosures, renew credit flows, improve schools, broaden health care, repair infrastructure, eliminate fossil fuels, develop renewable energy, and save the planet.

Our plans are big – to match our problems. Ask not if your government is too big or too small. Ask only if it is of a size to hoop the rebounds fate throws up.

Though I cannot meet all expectations, I shall perform efficiently, act carefully, and walk humbly. I shall get out of Iraq and find a way forward in Afghanistan, Iran, and North Korea.

I have to plan for the long term – which means eight years. So read my lips: No New Adventures! Together we shall take the heat out of global affairs, and show our fellow citizens how to be kinder, gentler.

We must get on better with foreigners. If I listen more and talk less, foreigners will appreciate it; they may even buy me coffee. But if I talk at them all the time, I’ll be the one to pay – across the board – which the country cannot afford.

I hope you understand the risks. With understanding, the ground will shift beneath your feet. We shall come, and overcome, together. We shall Madison, bump, and electrically glide, arms outstretched, to catch peace in our time – in Jerusalem, and around the world.

Of course if aliens and right-wingers want to fight us, we shall beat them into ploughshares. Whoever wants war wholly, or wholly war, will get it back in spades, from the Master of Cool, wearing shades.

Throughout, we shall relentlessly cherish democracy at home. Will that undermine our security? No. Without democracy, there is nothing worth securing.

In the end, why can’t we all just get along? Are not Hindus, atheists, and agnostics equally burdened by pounds and pounds of flesh? We Christians, Jews, and Muslims – like the rest – need to lose weight, lighten up on dogma, grip the neighbor in the eye, and try hard to be better. For all men are brothers. Like Cain and Abel.

Thank you.
May VeryDyre Wryte and Lush Rimbo fall in love and marry.
Above all, God Bless America!

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